Can I start this post off with a *sigh*?
Haaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh...
Aaaarrrrrrrgggg...
I just got home from a long, extremely brisk walk with my dog, Sam. And you know how walks usually tend to relieve that pent-up stress and aggravating emotion from the day? Well, this walk did not do that. It was a good walk, and Sam was such a good boy, but I've just got the growls!!! Arrrrrrrrr!
Anyone want a real-life picture of our family? Anybody tired of always hearing everyone's good news and "facebook perfect" life? Well, you've come to the right place. Tonight I've got to get it all out. And I'm praying that in the "blah" of everything, God will be able to use it to help someone who might just be going through something similar.
I should be bouncing with excitement and absolute joy because tomorrow is our big day. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it is the first visit from our case worker for our adoption home study! We have been waiting a long time for this day. But, (another long frustrated sigh...) it has been tainted by an overwhelming mess of trying circumstances!
Ok, prepare yourselves, here it comes: I'm going to hurl all of my internal frazzle into some kind of a verbal message. Here it goes.
We've been trying to buy a new house. #1. Because our current house is super tiny (too small for the two extra kiddos that are joining our family) and #2. Because we'd like our kids to be in a different public-school zone than we are currently in (and we just can't afford 2 or more kiddos at Nampa Christian). We did find a perfect home and made an offer last week, but it will raise our mortgage payments by a few hundred dollars a month. (Granted, our payments now are for a teeny tiny 1920's home, and our new payments will still be probably much less than most people are paying for their houses). With Calvin in school and his hours significantly cut at work, and my new role at school (which includes a pay-raise) only a stated possibility at the moment...being able to meet all of our financial needs every month will be a challenge. Even by taking Ariana out of Nampa Christian (reducing our monthly out-flow of cash significantly), we will barely be able to pay for Ella's weekly therapies, leaving little to no money for "extras" let alone our adoptions.
We have talked about the possibility of staying in our itty bitty house here in downtown Nampa and keeping Ariana in Nampa Christian for the remainder of the year, but by next year, there is no way we can pay for two kiddos in elementary school there. And since the public school in this zone is one that we tried out during Ariana's kindergarten year but because of safety concerns had to pull her out after only 6 weeks, that leaves homeschooling as our only option (which I would love) except that I would not be able to work which would not leave us with adequate funds for Ella's weekly therapies.
Now, on top of all of this, we have only accrued $3,000 of our needed $60,000 for our adoptions. Wow. I think we're insane. I look at that amount ($60,000) and pray, "There is just no way we can come up with that, Lord!" And He reminds me, "You're right, Jen. You can't." :) I just love how brutally honest He is. The only way any of this can happen is through His mighty plan and will. But today... whew! It was a day of attack. A day of reminders that I am just a tiny spec of dust in comparison to this great big universe we live in. The only way we are going to be able to adopt these two kids that the Lord has so strongly laid on our hearts, and I do mean only way, is that God provides a miracle.
I found myself on my knees in the girl's room today in prayer, crying out to the Lord for insight and answers. We are in need of His help and incapable of trudging through another day without His peace and guidance. There are so many times that I've felt like I'm walking in a fog and not making any headway, only to find out when the fog lifts, that He's lead us to a more astonishing destination than I could have imagined in the first place! I am praying that this is that moment, right before the fog lifts! I just want to be faithful to take steps in the places He's marked out for me.
For several weeks I felt the Lord place a burning motivation in my heart to memorize more Scripture and take bold steps in our adoption process. I don't believe we will always have access to God's word (hopefully we will), but if we don't, I want to have it etched on my heart. Also in the past several weeks, the Lord has provided the necessary funds for our adoption process in the scheduled time-frame thus far and has allowed us to take steps forward. Since these convictions, the Evil One has been attacking me like crazy.
You may have read my previous post about the persecution I received out of the blue from an old high school friend. That was one, very blatant attack that I think the Evil One wanted to use as a distraction to the Lord's call on my life. And if Satan was trying to bring me to the Lord even flatter on my face than before... it worked. I have been in prayer because that's all I can do! And now, with finances weighing in (annual taxes due in two short weeks, closing costs for our new home, closing costs for our old home, expenses for a new fridge and microwave and miscellaneous fees for moving all coinciding with Christmas expenses) it seems Satan is trying to throw a gut-punch to knock the wind right out of us and our adoptions.
I feel like I'm swimming in a distance race and being held under water and only allowed to the surface for tiny gasps of breath. I, so badly, need the Lord to come under the water and breathe new, life-saving oxygen into my lungs so that I can keep on going. I guess that's the beauty of this journey... If we (Calv and I) make it out alive... If we end up with these kiddos that Jesus is calling us to... It won't be because we're such great money raisers, or because we made so much money in our awesome jobs... it will be clearly and brilliantly seen that it was by God's power and grace that it all came to be.
So, I just keep clinging to the verses that Jesus laid on Calvin's and my heart when this process first began:
I do realize that all of these "money woes" are temporary. Calvin will finish with school in about 15 months from now and will be released once again to work full-time and be the sole provider for our family. (He started this school adventure so that he could gain a higher paying job with better hours so that we could afford a family of six and so that he could be around in order to enjoy them) And if it weren't for Ella's buffet of medications, therapies and appointments, we'd be feeling pretty financially comfortable at the moment.
Isn't it just interesting how the Lord allows these trials so that we have to lean in a little closer? We're forced to wait for His direction and hunger and thirst for His answers. And because of the dependance on Him, we are front-row viewers of His miracles!
I was telling my best-friend, Sarah, today on the phone that I so badly don't want to be like the Israelites who forgot God's miracles so quickly after being rescued from Pharaoh's wicked hand! God led them with a cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night, He fed them with manna falling from heaven and water came from a rock!!! And still, they despaired! How easily I could fall into the same trap! Calvin and I have been blessed beyond comprehension already in our 8-year marriage by being witnesses to astonishing marvels such as: medical miracles with Ella (born dead, came to life, recover to astonishing health), financial impossibilities by having the means (through insurance and gifts) to have a 1.5 MILLION dollar baby paid in full, our house sell in only one day in a horrible housing market so that we could move to the mission field and $60,000 raised for that same ministry in that same horrible economy!!!
Oh, how I pray that we don't forget the things that our amazing God has done in the past and so quickly despair at the impossibility of what He's called us to!
By posting all of our weaknesses publicly on this little ol' blog, there are only a few feasible outcomes. One, is that our faith and adoptions will fail and you will all know about it. Two, is that God will lead us to some unforeseen ministry/destiny because of the pursuit of adoption that only God could have knit together and He will receive the glory! And three, is that we will end up with some amazing adopted kiddos and there will be no other name under heaven that will be able to steal God's thunder! It will be because of Him and only Him that it all came to pass!
We appreciate your prayers during this time of faith-stretching. :)
Haaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh...
Aaaarrrrrrrgggg...
I just got home from a long, extremely brisk walk with my dog, Sam. And you know how walks usually tend to relieve that pent-up stress and aggravating emotion from the day? Well, this walk did not do that. It was a good walk, and Sam was such a good boy, but I've just got the growls!!! Arrrrrrrrr!
Anyone want a real-life picture of our family? Anybody tired of always hearing everyone's good news and "facebook perfect" life? Well, you've come to the right place. Tonight I've got to get it all out. And I'm praying that in the "blah" of everything, God will be able to use it to help someone who might just be going through something similar.
I should be bouncing with excitement and absolute joy because tomorrow is our big day. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it is the first visit from our case worker for our adoption home study! We have been waiting a long time for this day. But, (another long frustrated sigh...) it has been tainted by an overwhelming mess of trying circumstances!
Ok, prepare yourselves, here it comes: I'm going to hurl all of my internal frazzle into some kind of a verbal message. Here it goes.
We've been trying to buy a new house. #1. Because our current house is super tiny (too small for the two extra kiddos that are joining our family) and #2. Because we'd like our kids to be in a different public-school zone than we are currently in (and we just can't afford 2 or more kiddos at Nampa Christian). We did find a perfect home and made an offer last week, but it will raise our mortgage payments by a few hundred dollars a month. (Granted, our payments now are for a teeny tiny 1920's home, and our new payments will still be probably much less than most people are paying for their houses). With Calvin in school and his hours significantly cut at work, and my new role at school (which includes a pay-raise) only a stated possibility at the moment...being able to meet all of our financial needs every month will be a challenge. Even by taking Ariana out of Nampa Christian (reducing our monthly out-flow of cash significantly), we will barely be able to pay for Ella's weekly therapies, leaving little to no money for "extras" let alone our adoptions.
We have talked about the possibility of staying in our itty bitty house here in downtown Nampa and keeping Ariana in Nampa Christian for the remainder of the year, but by next year, there is no way we can pay for two kiddos in elementary school there. And since the public school in this zone is one that we tried out during Ariana's kindergarten year but because of safety concerns had to pull her out after only 6 weeks, that leaves homeschooling as our only option (which I would love) except that I would not be able to work which would not leave us with adequate funds for Ella's weekly therapies.
Now, on top of all of this, we have only accrued $3,000 of our needed $60,000 for our adoptions. Wow. I think we're insane. I look at that amount ($60,000) and pray, "There is just no way we can come up with that, Lord!" And He reminds me, "You're right, Jen. You can't." :) I just love how brutally honest He is. The only way any of this can happen is through His mighty plan and will. But today... whew! It was a day of attack. A day of reminders that I am just a tiny spec of dust in comparison to this great big universe we live in. The only way we are going to be able to adopt these two kids that the Lord has so strongly laid on our hearts, and I do mean only way, is that God provides a miracle.
I found myself on my knees in the girl's room today in prayer, crying out to the Lord for insight and answers. We are in need of His help and incapable of trudging through another day without His peace and guidance. There are so many times that I've felt like I'm walking in a fog and not making any headway, only to find out when the fog lifts, that He's lead us to a more astonishing destination than I could have imagined in the first place! I am praying that this is that moment, right before the fog lifts! I just want to be faithful to take steps in the places He's marked out for me.
For several weeks I felt the Lord place a burning motivation in my heart to memorize more Scripture and take bold steps in our adoption process. I don't believe we will always have access to God's word (hopefully we will), but if we don't, I want to have it etched on my heart. Also in the past several weeks, the Lord has provided the necessary funds for our adoption process in the scheduled time-frame thus far and has allowed us to take steps forward. Since these convictions, the Evil One has been attacking me like crazy.
You may have read my previous post about the persecution I received out of the blue from an old high school friend. That was one, very blatant attack that I think the Evil One wanted to use as a distraction to the Lord's call on my life. And if Satan was trying to bring me to the Lord even flatter on my face than before... it worked. I have been in prayer because that's all I can do! And now, with finances weighing in (annual taxes due in two short weeks, closing costs for our new home, closing costs for our old home, expenses for a new fridge and microwave and miscellaneous fees for moving all coinciding with Christmas expenses) it seems Satan is trying to throw a gut-punch to knock the wind right out of us and our adoptions.
I feel like I'm swimming in a distance race and being held under water and only allowed to the surface for tiny gasps of breath. I, so badly, need the Lord to come under the water and breathe new, life-saving oxygen into my lungs so that I can keep on going. I guess that's the beauty of this journey... If we (Calv and I) make it out alive... If we end up with these kiddos that Jesus is calling us to... It won't be because we're such great money raisers, or because we made so much money in our awesome jobs... it will be clearly and brilliantly seen that it was by God's power and grace that it all came to be.
So, I just keep clinging to the verses that Jesus laid on Calvin's and my heart when this process first began:
Joshua 1:3
"I will give you every place where you set your foot"
Matthew 19:26
"Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”
John 16:23-24
" I tell you the truth, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete."
Ephesians 3:20
" He is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine"
I do realize that all of these "money woes" are temporary. Calvin will finish with school in about 15 months from now and will be released once again to work full-time and be the sole provider for our family. (He started this school adventure so that he could gain a higher paying job with better hours so that we could afford a family of six and so that he could be around in order to enjoy them) And if it weren't for Ella's buffet of medications, therapies and appointments, we'd be feeling pretty financially comfortable at the moment.
Isn't it just interesting how the Lord allows these trials so that we have to lean in a little closer? We're forced to wait for His direction and hunger and thirst for His answers. And because of the dependance on Him, we are front-row viewers of His miracles!
I was telling my best-friend, Sarah, today on the phone that I so badly don't want to be like the Israelites who forgot God's miracles so quickly after being rescued from Pharaoh's wicked hand! God led them with a cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night, He fed them with manna falling from heaven and water came from a rock!!! And still, they despaired! How easily I could fall into the same trap! Calvin and I have been blessed beyond comprehension already in our 8-year marriage by being witnesses to astonishing marvels such as: medical miracles with Ella (born dead, came to life, recover to astonishing health), financial impossibilities by having the means (through insurance and gifts) to have a 1.5 MILLION dollar baby paid in full, our house sell in only one day in a horrible housing market so that we could move to the mission field and $60,000 raised for that same ministry in that same horrible economy!!!
Oh, how I pray that we don't forget the things that our amazing God has done in the past and so quickly despair at the impossibility of what He's called us to!
By posting all of our weaknesses publicly on this little ol' blog, there are only a few feasible outcomes. One, is that our faith and adoptions will fail and you will all know about it. Two, is that God will lead us to some unforeseen ministry/destiny because of the pursuit of adoption that only God could have knit together and He will receive the glory! And three, is that we will end up with some amazing adopted kiddos and there will be no other name under heaven that will be able to steal God's thunder! It will be because of Him and only Him that it all came to pass!
We appreciate your prayers during this time of faith-stretching. :)
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