I have to tell you, the road since my last post has not been easy. Initially, it started out well...
Sunday (the day after I wrote my last post) brought confirmations. We went to church and both Calvin and I experienced a great comfort and confirmation about "getting our hands dirty" in God's work! Both the main service at church and our Sunday School spoke on acting on God's convictions and overcoming fear!!! After church, Calvin put his arm around me and said, "Well, I think church was just for us today." :) I would have to agree. It was like the pastor's sermon and our lesson in Sunday School were tailor made for us and what we're going through. Isn't it amazing how the Spirit works!
The following days, however, have been filled with doubt and confusion. (Big surprise, since that's how Satan always attacks me! It is always through confusion!) Ever since I can remember, I have had a sensitive heart for the Lord. It has been one of my biggest strengths, but in my fear to follow the Lord with wisdom, many times, I have allowed myself to become confused by letting others convict me of something I had no business claiming! Growing up, my conviction was good, because it never took me long to fess up if I had done something wrong. But, it could also be bad because I could have known that the Lord had asked me to do something, but if even one person planted a seed of doubt in my mind, it would grow to a full-grown tree of conviction that I could be misleading myself and calling it God's idea! I'd then throw the project to the wayside in fear that I was operating out of self instead of God's calling. I do understand that people have been known to intentionally do something and claim that it was God leading them, but I also know that Satan knows what each of our weaknesses are and capitalizes on them. My weakness is the fear of working outside of the Holy Spirit's calling, so all Satan has to do is create a tiny seed of doubt and then, water it with lies.
With time, I have learned that I can "test" God's call on my life by looking for confirmations. For instance, when we went to Peru, we felt the tug on our hearts initially. Then, we began "knocking on doors" and they all opened. (confirmations!) Ella got the go ahead from each of her doctors! (HUGE confirmations!) Our house sold in an unlikely market on the first day it was listed!!! (confirmation!) At one point, I remember God asking me to stop fund-raising all together and pray and fast (lunch) for a month. He did not want us to be able to take credit for the financing. After my month of prayer and fasting and absolutely no forward motion in our money-raising, phone calls began to come in with ideas of how to fund-raise!!! (confirmation!) and our $60,000 just came in! (MIGHTY confirmation!) God knew all that we'd go through in our time in Peru and knew that we'd need, even now in hindsight, the confirmation of His provision and His will that we were supposed to go to Peru.
This adoption journey, we've approached much the same. We've been knocking on doors and waiting for confirmations. Time and time again, doors have opened and confirmations have come in amazing ways, and yet, this week, I was hit anew with doubt and confusion.
I was given a book on Sunday to read about bringing home kids with attachment and abuse issues. Even being in the Word (the Bible), I was spending more time in this book and looking at things through "logical eyes" and selfish avoidance of difficulty, instead of through an open heart to God's will. I became very doubtful that this could possibly be God's plan for our lives. Dealing with a child (let alone two) with these severe needs was just more than we could handle ontop of the two precious girls that we already have! I knew the confirmations that God had already given to us that we need to adopt and that we are being steered internationally (probably to Africa), but my own unbelief and doubt, coupled with my own selfishness for an easy life, fueled the desire to push away the conviction to adopt and lessen the call on my heart! Satan, that old liar and serpent, was penetrating again, where he knew I was weakest. With the "knowledge" that we could not adopt from a place like the Congo and the contradicting confirmations we'd received from the Lord, I became a mess of confusion once again, even though God spoke to me specifically about unbelief last week!!!
Yesterday, I felt such attack over adoption. Because I couldn't logically see how all of this could possibly work out, I doubted the authenticity of the call. I knew in my heart, that God wants us to pursue adoption; but in my head knowing it is financially impossible, logistically we have no room and emotionally it will be devastating, I just couldn't keep my inner war under wraps. I told Calvin that I should have seen this coming! Every time God provides powerful confirmations, Satan is there to put up barriers and obstacles! I had to claim over and over again, even audibly that we have to live by faith and not by sight. It has been an all-out battle to keep my head above water on this one.
(Ephesians 6:12 "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.")
Thankfully, God is patient with us! This morning, I was about to sit down with this book again (the one focused on how to raise children with special needs), but I was redirected to the Bible. For some reason, I chose to open Cal's Bible instead of mine. When I opened it, the page landed on 2 Corinthians chapter 4. My eyes were drawn to a portion that Cal had underlined. This is how it read:
"18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
Wow! God had just validated the spiritual inner tube (living by faith and not by sight) I'd been clinging to for the past 24 hours to keep my head above water!
Then, I decided to head toward my original destination, Galations, chapter 5. Another huge wave of Scripture washed over my heart and knocked out all of my "logical" dilemmas! This was my reading from this morning:
Galations 5
This morning, I remain convicted and amazed at God's ability to provide the exact right confirming words through scripture in the exact moment we need it! He gave confirmations through two passages of scripture this morning that addressed two specific concepts that He had already laid on my heart. He is as a master builder, first laying the foundation, (the conviction to keep my eyes on what is unseen and to focus on His call on my heart especially when it is contrary to my selfish, worldly logic, creating confusion!) and then confirming through scripture those exact convictions!!! Only God can do that!!!
I pray that the power of Jesus Christ will continue to pave the way and keep my mind clear with His wisdom and that the "wisdom" of this world would not even be able to scratch the surface of penetrating my mind. Thank you all so much for your continued prayers! God is moving and we continue to pray that He would lead us to the place He has planned for us! We are praying right now about whether or not He would have us move houses or stay where we are, and that if He does have a move in mind, that He would provide open doors.
Praises to Jesus today! May all praise, honor and glory go to Him forever and ever!!!!
"Now to him who is able to establish you by my gospel and the proclamation of Jesus Christ, according to the revelation of the mystery hidden for long ages past, but now revealed and made known through the prophetic writings by the command of the eternal God, so that all nations might believe and obey him - to the only wise God be glory forever through Jesus Christ! Amen." - Romans 16:25-27
Sunday (the day after I wrote my last post) brought confirmations. We went to church and both Calvin and I experienced a great comfort and confirmation about "getting our hands dirty" in God's work! Both the main service at church and our Sunday School spoke on acting on God's convictions and overcoming fear!!! After church, Calvin put his arm around me and said, "Well, I think church was just for us today." :) I would have to agree. It was like the pastor's sermon and our lesson in Sunday School were tailor made for us and what we're going through. Isn't it amazing how the Spirit works!
The following days, however, have been filled with doubt and confusion. (Big surprise, since that's how Satan always attacks me! It is always through confusion!) Ever since I can remember, I have had a sensitive heart for the Lord. It has been one of my biggest strengths, but in my fear to follow the Lord with wisdom, many times, I have allowed myself to become confused by letting others convict me of something I had no business claiming! Growing up, my conviction was good, because it never took me long to fess up if I had done something wrong. But, it could also be bad because I could have known that the Lord had asked me to do something, but if even one person planted a seed of doubt in my mind, it would grow to a full-grown tree of conviction that I could be misleading myself and calling it God's idea! I'd then throw the project to the wayside in fear that I was operating out of self instead of God's calling. I do understand that people have been known to intentionally do something and claim that it was God leading them, but I also know that Satan knows what each of our weaknesses are and capitalizes on them. My weakness is the fear of working outside of the Holy Spirit's calling, so all Satan has to do is create a tiny seed of doubt and then, water it with lies.
With time, I have learned that I can "test" God's call on my life by looking for confirmations. For instance, when we went to Peru, we felt the tug on our hearts initially. Then, we began "knocking on doors" and they all opened. (confirmations!) Ella got the go ahead from each of her doctors! (HUGE confirmations!) Our house sold in an unlikely market on the first day it was listed!!! (confirmation!) At one point, I remember God asking me to stop fund-raising all together and pray and fast (lunch) for a month. He did not want us to be able to take credit for the financing. After my month of prayer and fasting and absolutely no forward motion in our money-raising, phone calls began to come in with ideas of how to fund-raise!!! (confirmation!) and our $60,000 just came in! (MIGHTY confirmation!) God knew all that we'd go through in our time in Peru and knew that we'd need, even now in hindsight, the confirmation of His provision and His will that we were supposed to go to Peru.
This adoption journey, we've approached much the same. We've been knocking on doors and waiting for confirmations. Time and time again, doors have opened and confirmations have come in amazing ways, and yet, this week, I was hit anew with doubt and confusion.
I was given a book on Sunday to read about bringing home kids with attachment and abuse issues. Even being in the Word (the Bible), I was spending more time in this book and looking at things through "logical eyes" and selfish avoidance of difficulty, instead of through an open heart to God's will. I became very doubtful that this could possibly be God's plan for our lives. Dealing with a child (let alone two) with these severe needs was just more than we could handle ontop of the two precious girls that we already have! I knew the confirmations that God had already given to us that we need to adopt and that we are being steered internationally (probably to Africa), but my own unbelief and doubt, coupled with my own selfishness for an easy life, fueled the desire to push away the conviction to adopt and lessen the call on my heart! Satan, that old liar and serpent, was penetrating again, where he knew I was weakest. With the "knowledge" that we could not adopt from a place like the Congo and the contradicting confirmations we'd received from the Lord, I became a mess of confusion once again, even though God spoke to me specifically about unbelief last week!!!
Yesterday, I felt such attack over adoption. Because I couldn't logically see how all of this could possibly work out, I doubted the authenticity of the call. I knew in my heart, that God wants us to pursue adoption; but in my head knowing it is financially impossible, logistically we have no room and emotionally it will be devastating, I just couldn't keep my inner war under wraps. I told Calvin that I should have seen this coming! Every time God provides powerful confirmations, Satan is there to put up barriers and obstacles! I had to claim over and over again, even audibly that we have to live by faith and not by sight. It has been an all-out battle to keep my head above water on this one.
(Ephesians 6:12 "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.")
Thankfully, God is patient with us! This morning, I was about to sit down with this book again (the one focused on how to raise children with special needs), but I was redirected to the Bible. For some reason, I chose to open Cal's Bible instead of mine. When I opened it, the page landed on 2 Corinthians chapter 4. My eyes were drawn to a portion that Cal had underlined. This is how it read:
"18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
Wow! God had just validated the spiritual inner tube (living by faith and not by sight) I'd been clinging to for the past 24 hours to keep my head above water!
Then, I decided to head toward my original destination, Galations, chapter 5. Another huge wave of Scripture washed over my heart and knocked out all of my "logical" dilemmas! This was my reading from this morning:
Galations 5
"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.
2 Mark my words! I, Paul, tell you that if you let yourselves be circumcised, Christ will be of no value to you at all. 3 Again I declare to every man who lets himself be circumcised that he is obligated to obey the whole law. 4 You who are trying to be justified by the law have been alienated from Christ; you have fallen away from grace. 5 For through the Spirit we eagerly await by faith the righteousness for which we hope. 6 For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision has any value. The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.
7 You were running a good race. Who cut in on you to keep you from obeying the truth? 8 That kind of persuasion does not come from the one who calls you. 9 “A little yeast works through the whole batch of dough.” 10 I am confident in the Lord that you will take no other view. The one who is throwing you into confusion, whoever that may be, will have to pay the penalty. 11 Brothers and sisters, if I am still preaching circumcision, why am I still being persecuted? In that case the offense of the cross has been abolished. 12 As for those agitators, I wish they would go the whole way and emasculate themselves!
13 You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love. 14 For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” 15 If you bite and devour each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.
16 So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. 17 For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want. 18 But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.
19 The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20 idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21 and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love,joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 25 Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. 26 Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other."
This morning, I remain convicted and amazed at God's ability to provide the exact right confirming words through scripture in the exact moment we need it! He gave confirmations through two passages of scripture this morning that addressed two specific concepts that He had already laid on my heart. He is as a master builder, first laying the foundation, (the conviction to keep my eyes on what is unseen and to focus on His call on my heart especially when it is contrary to my selfish, worldly logic, creating confusion!) and then confirming through scripture those exact convictions!!! Only God can do that!!!
I pray that the power of Jesus Christ will continue to pave the way and keep my mind clear with His wisdom and that the "wisdom" of this world would not even be able to scratch the surface of penetrating my mind. Thank you all so much for your continued prayers! God is moving and we continue to pray that He would lead us to the place He has planned for us! We are praying right now about whether or not He would have us move houses or stay where we are, and that if He does have a move in mind, that He would provide open doors.
Praises to Jesus today! May all praise, honor and glory go to Him forever and ever!!!!
"Now to him who is able to establish you by my gospel and the proclamation of Jesus Christ, according to the revelation of the mystery hidden for long ages past, but now revealed and made known through the prophetic writings by the command of the eternal God, so that all nations might believe and obey him - to the only wise God be glory forever through Jesus Christ! Amen." - Romans 16:25-27
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